NEWS
ISSUE 1 ISSUE 2 ISSUE 3 ISSUE 4 ISSUE 5 ISSUE 6
ISSUE SEVEN,
11/18/07 UPDATE It has been nearly
THREE YEARS since I updated the News page of Toy Hell. So consider this
a rare treat that you have new news from the front line. There are many
things I would like to update you on here but very little time. Some
of the things written here are UTTER FABRICATION while other things
are regrettably the absolute truth. I will not tell which is which but
that is what you have come to expect from the News page of Toy Hell.
But once again here are the FACTS about Toy Hell: The Facts: Yes,
Toy Hell is still in business as we enter the year 2008.
And YES, we are a reputable business. Check our ebay account. ----
UPDATE FROM LAST TIME--- The
JOEY McCABE SAGA COMES TO A CLOSE I was making my
rounds at the San Diego Convention Center in the late hours of the first
day of the Comic-Con 2007 when I very unexpected approached by a man
to whom I had written off as the very spawn of Satan himself! I speak
of he who is known as Joey McCabe. (See Previous News for the full
story) Startled and unprepared with any holy water on my person
I resolved myself to my fate of being turn to charred ash. I was very
unprepared for what happened next- He offered to make right the atrocities
and wrongs he had committed many years prior - the debt that had been
unpaid and the trade that had never been completed. Something seemed
changed in the man but I did not allow myself to believe that he spoke
the truth but decided to give him a chance to make amends. He provided
me his booth number inside the Comic-Con exhibition hall and I made
plans to visit him there. Least I fall into a pit of torment and be
beaten by Megatron's spiked balls, I made quick my plans for escape
should this be treachery most fowl. I hired a local cinematographer
to document what transpired at McCabe's booth on the following morrow
least my suffering be disbelieved as it had been on prior occasions.
A crucifix I groped in my rear pocket as I saw the demon approach. The
mint in sealed box Grand Maximus that I had been promised was by the
spawn of satan was quickly forgotten as McCabe spoke of repentance and
apologized for his earlier wrongdoings. As I looked close I realized
that the man's heart had been surgically removed and replaced with a
bomb of alien origin. His time was drawing to a close. We looked long
around the Hasbro booth where a display case contained figures from
the new Transformers Animated series set to launch 2008 on Cartoon Network.
Instantly I fell into deep sobs both at the beauty of the figures' articulation
and design and at my own heart which has been marred so dark over the
past ten years. We went to McCabes' booth across the hall, where he
wrenched open a key from his throat. With the key he opened a chest
that contained Insecticon Bombshell MISB-- an item so mint it was if
Satan himself had spawned it from his gonad. He presented me with this
item and all seemed right in the world. Since I have no need for this
item myself I offer it up to the world for the small price of $400 -
SEE PICTURE
McCabe was redeemed in my eyes and I believe he wishes to make right
with all that he has wronged in his Transformers dealings. Video from
this fateful transaction will be included in the upcoming film 'Transform
Me' released by Dahveed and Smorgasbord Productions. So has McCabe
truly changed? Can a sentient robotic life form disguised as an organism
of type panthera pardus change it's outer epidermal layer of circular
patterns? YES! At least I believe so... Good News-
The true collector (or completist) may now purchase a vast array
of Transformers items with the coming of the Paramount Transformers
movie . Bad News-
Some of these Transformers items include Transformers pajamas, boys
bikini bottom underwear and Transformers baby wipes. A true completist
MUST purchase all these items! A true man must not! Toy Hell News-
David Baba!!
Our operations
administrator here at Toy Hell is missing! There has been no contact
with him for the last five years! Donkey Boy, our STD operative has
also gone missing! There is a possibility that he has engaged Baba
in horseplay and become enamored to the point of unhealthy arousal.
THERE IS NO FUTURE THE END IS HERE...
I plan to discontinue
this section of the website. John Earickson is a friend of
mine who has a much better website with all the latest news on toys
and entertainment. Please read visit his site for articles and items
of interest. Although everything I have written here is the truth
I feel my words in this section bring little joy. AnimePlayground.com -DKN- TOY SHOWS!!! HEY! We're hitting
the summer shows again. Our next stop will be the BotCon
this coming Spring. Let us know if you're attending and we'll
make sure to bring you some goodies. BEST TOY
TO BUY! HEY! Buy Dragon
Ball model kits we sell! They are hard to find and a great deal. Goto
the Dragonball page for more details. Do you really want me to tell
you what to buy or would you rather read another tale of hardship and
woe? Read on for the Bootleg Chronicles THE
BOOTLEG CHRONICLES: ENTER THE SEXY WOMAN: OR REDEMPTION NO LONGER AN
OPTION! The
following story takes place between 2004 and 2008.
As I left my apartment I had no idea that I was doomed for eternity.
It hit me like a small boy hitting an adult in the testicles. Sure,
the adult could hit the boy back but his parents are watching so really
the adult has no recourse but to limp away before a second blow follows
the first. For me there were unfortunately two hits- Donkey Boy hit
me in the face and I hit the ground. As I checked my nose for blood
Donkey Boy reported to me the details of the wedding of John Earickson.
I had heard rumors that the one-time drunk and one-time Japanese toy
aficionado had found love outside the confines of a mint, sealed C9
AFA graded box. However, it was now a fact. Donkey Boy leapt into the
arms of my neighbor and proceeded to thrust his pelvis into her face.
A shot fired off and he was dead...or in Jersey. It was unimportant.
The next shot hit me in the eye. I fell to the ground but I knew I would
not die. My decades of isolation and desperation would only end by a
hangman's noose or with the love of an incredible woman. I had tried
on several previous occasions to give up the toys that had tormented
me from birth- robots, Transformers, even a random Smurf consumed my
dwelling. I had turned this obsession into a business- hoping to rid
myself of toys by selling them on the internet through ToyHell.com but
always some stranger would approach me ready to sell me more toys and
always I would reach into my soul and pour out the green. And the heavens
would weep. As I lost consciousness
I returned for a moment to the summer of 1994 when I first began to
document the horrors and the pleasures of the flesh...no, not of the
flesh but of the plastic and die-cast metal variety- the song of the
toy collector. In 1994 a young man stood at a cross roads between a
future of creative fulfillment, love, wealth and a future of toy collecting,
loneliness. and poverty. For a moment he straddled the two paths masterfully-
turning his toy hobby into a creative direction through his artwork
and films. He was even popular within certain circles. But the dark
side within him was too strong and so he fell. As I woke I found myself
surrounded on all side by large dusty boxes, scattered clothes and bootleg
Transformers covered the carpet by my feet. I was alone as always. A
bag lay beside me. Inside was a Transformers set of bed sheets and pillow
covers. The proverbial nail in the coffin for an bachelor of a certain
age. I dropped them and ran from my bedroom and down the stairs, tripping
on a mint in sealed box Japanese edition Cheetor. They seemed to be
breeding like rabbits. I flung myself out my door and into the street
where I was promptly hit by a Hummer. I had escaped but only for the
moment! As I peeled myself
from the Hummer's grill I saw her. She was to be my salvation or my
damnation. More awe inspiring than a C9 AFA graded G1 Ultra Magnus with
rubber tires. Her pores breathed life, hope, power, intelligence. As
I approached her aura filled the barren void of my heart and for a moment
I felt as if the secrets of the universe were revealed before me. As
I spoke to her I instantly knew I did not deserve to be in her presence.
I told her that I wanted to become a better man. Immediately realizing
the stupidity of my statement I tore off my right ear and presented
it to her. She smiled. Like a mad man I
tore through my dwelling. The Transformers were everywhere like cockroaches.
There was to be no hiding them when I brought her over. But the toilet
contained several devils playing a game of poker on the back of a turd.
The bathtub contained a swine carcass and the kitchen's garbage disposal
was clogged by the phalis of a thousand pygmies. These would have to
go. I toiled for 29 days and nights, shooting myself with needles as
I flayed my flesh with turpentine to cleanse it for her. In the end
I went to the emergency room on more than one occasion for ointments
to sooth the turmoils of my flesh and spirit. BTW, the operation on
my eye was a success to anyone who was wondering. At last I was as ready
for her visit. The boxes of toys still piled high and the dust was thick
but most of the major atrocities were out of sight. I waited for her
to arrive. She was late. Minutes turned into hours and days into weeks.
Was she lost? Her car pulled up and I leaped for joy and fell two stories
to the pavement below, broken but triumphant. As she glided through
my dwelling and admired my tattered paintings I knew that she was the
only one who could save me from my wretched existence. I reached into
a drawer and cut off my other ear so that I could hear her better should
she give me hope. She remarked at the disarray and dust, the clutter
and the turds that covered the floor. Surprisingly the bloody half-eaten
unicorn carcass on the balcony was ignored. After all the horrors that
my dwelling presented, she was not offended with me. Boldly I asked
for her hand in marriage or at least a date to see a movie. She ran
for her car and drove off into the evening taking my heart with her.
In retrospect I realize it was a bad idea to not only cut off my ears
but also remove my heart and leave it in the back seat of her vehicle.
In the future I will have to be more careful when removing organs. Although
I see her every night in my dreams I have never seen her again in the
flesh. And so I return
to my bedroom this night in full knowledge of my fate- knowing that
I have now committed to the darker path, the one filled with only loneliness,
poverty and sorrow. Where there is no joy beyond the arms of a small
plastic articulated collectible action figure that transforms into an
alternate mode and even that joy is a hollow one. I find the bag I had
earlier discarded. I removed the Transformers bed sheets on put them
on my mattress. They fit perfectly. The last nail has been hammered.
The coffin is closed. THE UPCOMING DOCUMENTARY
'TRANSFORM ME' FROM FILMMAKER DAHVEED KOLODNY-NAGY CONTAINS VIDEO FROM
THESE AND OTHER JOYFUL MOMENTS FROM MY EXCITING LIFE!
CLICK
HERE TO ORDER
